When fate decides to lend a hand,
all you have to do is go with the flow,
but when fate decides to turn its back on you,
you will have more to do than to fall and weep.
-kelli

hehx. tat feeling is back agn. i tried to get rid of it but i can't. it jus came back to me. but tis time, i felt abit more objective. it isn't to anione. and i am not tat stressed now. it's jus a feeling tat came to me. act i believed that for me..tat no matter how much work dere is.. i wld nvr give up as long as i reali lurve it or willing to work for it. i believe i noe myself well ba, but mebbe it's not tis case. cos bang guan zhe qing, ji mo zhe hei. but owells.

anw. talk abt more interesting stuff. todae went shopping for fa kit items agn. haha.. i spent more den 300 dollars on the fa kit stuff. which means i am broke now. plus the money tat haven got back yet. got 400 over le. it was sup to be money for my china trip and saving up for smth but owells.. partly cos i decided to spoil myself todae and bought sum stuff.. so i spent arnd 400 in total?? haha.. cos i can't resist the temptation of not buying smth i lke so much..

and yesterdae.. my god sis's sharon's wedding. ahaha. i got another brother-in-law le... vincent.. haha.. so she bcame mrs quek. hehe.. i sud feel abit lonely act. lke most of my cousins tat i was close to.. got married and haf children, their own family. life. sorta left me one by one. haix, so feel abit lonely sumtimes. actually i tink those not married yet ye mei you duo shao. cos i am one of the youngest of my generation ba. prob only left ivy and marilyn. if i am not wrong. haha, prob bcos dey got married means less pressies for me. haha. anw.. back to our mrs quek's wedding. haha, she looked so pretty yesterdae. duh, of cos. the bride is the prettiest. and seeing vincent and her ai qing chang pao so long.. finally got married and settle down. hope you all got a di san zhe soon.. haha. meaning zao sheng gui zi.. haha. and vincent my bro-in-law must take care of my sis hor.. (:

cum to tink of it. i am already auntie to a few of the xiao guas. haha. altho mos call me jie. cos i'm still so young rite. lemee try to count ah. at lest got 10 le.. haha so many.. haha lemee tink how many mrs i haf for cousin and sis.. i am so bo liao i noe. got mrs yap. mrs tiong.. mrs quek.. mrs tan.. mrs ng.. ahh. can't remm le. hehe. bo liaos. lemee name my nephews and nieces den. got tianle. ruining. carrie [itink], brenda. beatrice.sigh sigh. me shi bai. cannot remm le. anw. i tink my cousin is gg to get married soon. he is 12 yrs older den me haha. yah. den he's lke one out of the two 'internal' grandson my grandfather has.. besides my bro. yea. told ya i am 1 of the youngest le.

anw. did i ever say i lke tis song very much? yea. anw, nvr had the time to paste it here so her is it todae.n remm i was telling cheryl last year tat if we ever can sing it sucessfully for talentime.. sure get into finals one. confirm.. i lurve tis song mans..

tonight, i feel close to you
performed by Stefanie Sun and Mai Kuraki~

Close my eyes, and feel your mind.
Time has passed, i walked like a shadow.
Never knew, what i'm going through
You touched my heart and take my breath away

Wisper on the wind so softly (softly)
Let the bright stars light the sky above
Reach out for your hand (Your hand is my key)
And you show me the way

*Tonight i feel close to you
You open my heart and light the sky above,
When I need friend, you are there by my side.
I wish we could stay as one ( I wish we could stay forever as one)*

All the tears that haunt my past
You promised it'll be better tomorrow
Play that song you and I listened to
And let it gently ease our pain

Tender rain drops from the blue sky (blue sky)
Flower's blomming, Life's so divine
Like sunlight on a stream (You're holding my key)
You showed the world to me

Repeat *

So much love in this beautiful world
Search for the brighest star in the sky
You will find the meaning of love.
Don't be afraid (Don't be afraid)
Just be yourself (Just be yourself)
We need this love (We need this love)
I never know (I never know)

ooo. btw. i tink tis year ndp cadets are closer den the last year's batch. at lest dey noe their whole contingent can. mebe bcos dey onli haf 54 ppl includin reserves. and last yr was lke 100+ haha. but it's good to be close.. hehex. and tis yr dey onli haf 6 files. which means dey prob dunid belok so badly. unlike our 11 files. hehx. crap. crap. but our last year contingent got more ppl lolx. den got more ppl to zheng. cos got more ppl having b'dae each week. hahaha.

anw.. i beri sad act. cannot go for fd sliver acreed. if i could. i wld pon tat nats camp briefing. sigh sigh.



shall hurry update.. cos i only got 10 mins to do all these. anw, life's pretty bad theese days.. with all the stupid rehearsals gg on. and sumhow i only knew dere was speech dae rehearsal tml.. as well as national day rehearsal.. and sum field test gg on tml. so i'm pretty booked tml. and dere's goes my hope of checking staff rm fa kits tml. sigh sigh. and i hate last minute notices.. like speech dae. and swami. it reali sucks lolx. i mean it's not nice to get notified only the day before. when u planned erything out and jus tat person sorta planting a bomb on u or smth.
 
sucks. the tcher is here. can't blog anmore. cos the tcher wanna chase me out of the classrroom. shall update ltr if i have the chance.




decided to change the font for a change. i was so toots. tat i sud realise tat todae is the 27th which is the korea exchange prog. haha, which 1 of my sec2s is gg for. anw, din update yesterdae cos i felt alslp. on my bed. at lest i din fall aslp on the com or on the table. bed more comfy anw.
 
sigh. sup to be rs now. and hey. i din slack ok. at lest did sum constructive work.. yep.. hahas. my maths test results came out. as expected.. i failed it wor. got a single digit sumore.. lalala. i dun exactly lke anthing with log. from logarithm to logistics. so can jus forget it. altho dere's a retest. but coordinate geometry rocks!! haha. dun try to read my mind la. i jus can't do well in tat if i dun lke the topic. now doing graphs. sigh, i hate tat act. cos it is back to log graphs. and i hate log. hope tis topic hurry go by.. cos after tat is trigo :) and i lurve trigo..
 
yesterdae had national dae rehearsal. tink the fancy drill is so what lolx. but shan't say. haix. dey want liddat.. i give dem liddat lors. ani prob is not my prob. sumhow dey dun understand tat it looks badd. lolx. anw. i can't wait for hols. even it is like more den 1 mth awayy. anw haix. gonna rack my brains for welfare. hahaha. it's a secret project. no la. jkjk. but seriously nid to rack my brains..
 
goin to hq buy ua agn ltr. but dunno got enuff money anort. die. haix. anw i heard frm qms of other schs tat the wo ranks still not in.. so can jus forget it. and tat's as updated yestterdae. and i betta pick one day of my calender to go buy boot socks. (: but no time act. for the next 2 weeks. haix. mebe i go buy on fri. den go str to sharon's wedding. hahaa. shall see first. at lest i am free tml. so far.  tml is the only dae i am free for the next 3 weeks wor. mebe tml i can haf a good sleep.. (:




nvr blog for a few daes le. sorrie ppl. dun feel lke blogging act. but to stop ppl frm nagging at me. here's it is. i shall update on the last few daes.

thurs 22nd
hehx. i pon piano to go nite safari and overall it's quite fun. excpet tat nite safari reali sha ren fang huo. den i took a ride from xinwei's dad. hahhaha. den i reach home at 11.10 i tink. den bathe and eat until 12.30 or rather 00.30. hahahaha. lolx. den i decided to be a guai ger and started to study my physics instead of sleeping. yes i did. altho i din manage to finish study erything cos i fell asleep at arnd 3+. yea.. but i managed to study a bit. so i slept for 1hr+ after waking up at 5.

fri 23rd
a long day agn wor. went to parkway after school to buy stuff to cook fried rice and salad. then went kelly's house to cook. i so zai can. fried fried rice.. and it tastes nice. xcept tat it is a bit dry sumwhere. sorrie la. cos kel's mum cook hard rice. din add enuff water and i added loads of water le lol. tat was the best i can do. but only a small portion was dry.. the rest were nice. but it was my first time tat cook so much lolx. hahahaha. tat's according to the ri guys and the china ppl. but i tink de ri guys damm shi bai. din bring enuff plates, spoons wadava all the untensils. den went east coast at 6 for farewell gathering. as usual rgs gals are the last.. guest of honour.. hahaha. can't blame us can. we were cooking. oh yea. and the salad rocks too. thanks to cheryl and charlene and kelly. so do the nuggets. fish fillets and the saussages. of cos.. i fried it. yep yep. hahaha. but i tink we make a mess out of kelly's kitchen but we cleaned it in the end so it wasn't so bad. anw, we play until quite late. and when i went home it was quite late and i bathe. my china fren was staying over at my house.. so went she finally went to slp. i started doing my uniform. luckily, my dad did my boots. or i dunno wad the hell time i'm gg to slp. anw, i managed to catch 1h+ of slp agn. hahahha.

sat 26
went for trng late. cos i went to ate prata first with her. anw, i was suppose to be excused frm trng but i decided to be a guai gal and go for trng. anw. i hafta go cos andrew fok is gg to deliver boots. den went for crd. and i promised tat i wun fall asleep dere so i din. haha. i think my whole group pass [if deborah and florence pass]... yay! bravo rocks!! and the whole of zee's group pass i think[if jiahui pass,which i tink she most prob will].. if tat cums true.. our group are the two zai groups with 100% pass.. hahahas. tat's an increadible feat okae? anw. the informal segment was very memorable and fun. altho dey sorta having propagenda gg on.. haha.. and i felt so hyper tat i put my tiredness away..

sun 27
whoops. i was so tire tat i overslept and couldn't make it in time to send the china ppl off. i'm so sorry kae. esp to my buddy. but i am realli soorry. i woke up at 8.. so couldn't rush to changi airport cos dad refused to fetch me. then went candy's house to do ss project. came home at arnd 6+

so. i am blogging now. hahaahaz. sigh, but i haven done moi bio yet. and i promised myself to be a guai student and do all my hw. yep. and tml got national day rehearsal again.. sucks la. when i still haf ss and rs to do. and must remm to call billy tay. or i will jus die. and the staff room fa kits.. and the orphanage project.. since i dun haf a correct name to call it yet.. lolx. and i jus finish my part for openhouse. and with zee's part. it shall be the open house proposal!! haha, sorrie i'm so high. got qte alot of work but shall yi bu yi bu lai. which is why i say nuting's ever easy. u have to work hard to realise what u want.. :D



aha. realise tat i forgot to say sumthing for racial harmony dae yesterdae. it was so farni okae. so mus mentioned. yea. yesterdae during food stall. mr redmund lke doing buttertrade liddat. xcept tat he is lke making a loss? oh okae. i forggoot tat he failed his maths.
 
anw. when he first entered the canteen.. he bought 2 organges at 50 cents. but he returned one of them to tat stall. :p then he went to the 401-403 stall and bought popcorn. hehehe. so tat's one buck. then he came to our egg tart stall and bought egg tarts. and for tat. he gave us popcorn and one buck wor. sighs. after tat. went to 301-303 stall. he bought tis choco roll i tink which cost 1.50 for tat. or mebe it's apple shrudle. wadava. and for tat. he gave dem one egg tart. one orange and one dollar. oh wow. and he was saying at the beginning, he had no money. onli have 6 bucks. and in the end of it all. he spent his 6 bucks on a 1.50 choco roll. hahahaha. tat's so nonsese.
 
anw. national dae rehearsal ltr. sians. dun wan to go. but no choice. den gg nite safari. lalala. reachin rgs at 10.30 pm. so i prob reach home at 11.30?? haha. dun haf time le..




i know u lke bro more. but nonid be so unreasonable. sigh, i know my mom favours my bro de. but nonid make it so obvious. i guess eryone has a certain favourtism in ways. even supposedly as leaders, should be objective and not practice favourtism. but well.. if sum leaders can't do tat, how do u expect other ppl do. anw, i am not very pissed. i am used to it le. it's jus tat todae it's a bit worse den normal. but no used bein pissed abt it. jus kill ur mood only. so must be happy (: hehx. alot of ppl lke to use smiley faces to me now. i realise. anw, was ironing my uniform jus now. cos i dun haf time tml and fri. sigh. why do i have so lit time and so many things. oh and i burnt my finger accidentally. -ouch-
fri got physics quiz. i am gg to fail it de at this rate. dun even haf time to study. the whole weekend[includin fri].. i was out. mondae at singapore river. yesterdae was preparing for racial harmony and went ch hostal for sumburdie's burfdae. den thurs and fri. ahh. shan't tok abt it. sun ppl xing zhi only. i seriously nid to catch up in my work mans. anw. todae racial harmony. we finish selling our eggtarts. haha, so happy can.. mebe cos i was in charge of it. hahaha. and we took class photo.. (: sho farni. we were complaining tat if mr redmund sits down, he wld be too short. den if he stands up, he is too tall. hahahah. anw. shall put it up here if i haf time. tat is. if i haf time. oh and we got 2nd for quiz. yep. i'm so happy can. racial harmony ended. no more stupid notes abt concert cumin in. no more irritating sms cumin in the middle of the nite. ok, mebe not in the middle. hehs. abt concert. abt food stall or wadava. laadeedum. the next thing abt class. is class tee!!! yay. and national day. hope we got in. i lurve my class mans. 306 rocks!! esp the 2004 batch.. aha. mebe cos i never feel tat amt of class spirit in sec1 and 2.. hehe. and tat's including our form tcher. cos i tink if not for him, dere might not be so much nonsense and farni stuff in our class. whoa. tml also got national day rehearsal. sigh. sigh. sigh. and apparently out of the 4 uniformed groups. girls's brigade and ncc cannot make it. and i haf no idea why are we still having it. and i pon-ing my piano for it lolx. not exactly for it actually. also bcos of trip to nite safari. if it is spelt liddat.

hahaz. puni is crazy man. she is alreadi so high when she took the same bus home with mr redmund. and jus now tryin to announce to the whole world. and bugged me to remm to send her the fotos. yea. yea. and toking abt fotos. dere was one i took todae when all the male teachers are a bit hyper todae and starting clapping and dancing? haha. got mr redmund of cos. den got mr slatter. mr toh and mr chua. hehez. i took 2 pics of them i tink. not i take but wif my camera. and omg, i sudd like to take fotos a lot. realised i haf taken 4 flims since mid june. ahh. why am i in a foto craze. and abt fotos. which reminds me. i nidda take passport size foto. gave my last one to wanling. and tink i nidda make ic soon.





i dun care wad u say. i dun care wad u do. just LEAVE ME ALONE!! if u are unhappy. jus say it. and i wun do it agn and get into ur way if i cld. i wun say vulgurities here cos i nvr do. xcept mebe shit and hell. altho alot of vulgur flash thr my mind.

wanted to shift my blog but decided it was too troublesome and not worth it. heh. anw.. mebe i shld reali use the word i learnt from mr law. ampaty. meaning bo chap attitude.

i wish i could.

i am not blaming anyone here[refering to all my entries]. and it's not meant for anyone to read. to see. to look. to glance.





jus had a big fight wif my mum. not toking to each other now. over the stupid toilet. cos i jus came back after sending the prc students home.. and happily wanted to use the bathroom. and den she came in jus tt very moment. and starting screaming why the hell do i want to fight with her for the toilet. i was lke i also dun wan lolx.. to fight with her if i had a choice. den the quarrel started. den i was too lazy to say anithing else. shan't waste my breath.

anw, went to sum friendship lunch todae for the exchange prog. it was so formal lolx. and i was stuck with a stupid tie and i nearly died. with the ri guys. yea. as well. den after tt went singapore river, yea. with the ri guys too huiling went a bit sea sick. den we went asian cultural museum. den xinwei and i spent most of the time talking. yea. and i realised tat even tho both of us are in different uniformed groups. guides and red cross. we found sum similarities in us.. i guess.. in the politics side. haha, at least she provide me with sum insights. and i did really let go. jus b4 this moment. and tat action is to throw all the ibs shit to zee.. haha. thanks xinwei. at least i found sumone who share the same sentiments with me. showing tat i am not alone. and my views aren't weird either.. act.. i am glad tat i found sumone who shares it with me.. and i really tink i should just let go. i made a promise two weeks ago to let go. but i was too soft-hearted and i never did. and the consequences was tat i haf more tears then laughter and i failed my maths test. whatever. after last fri.. i really told myself to let go. just let it go. and let it fly. it might hit a building or it might fly even higher. so whether its fate is good or bad depend on fate ya. cos i seriously dun wan to pay a higher price for this animore. bcos failing tis maths test already made my task of getting an a+.. which is more than 80 for end of year.. more difficult..

i seriously tink tis is a turning pt of my life. mebe b4 tis..i tink my turning point was in sec1.. which i open up alot. from the very quite me. but i believe tis year i learnt alot more and open up even more. be it laughter or tears or wadava. i reali appreciate all these. bcos it makes up a stronger me. sumone taught me to say no. which i rarely did in the last 1 1/2 years. wad xinwei and i said is really true. bcos ppl are so used to u bein responsible and finishing it no matter what. people take it as a norm. when it actually isn't. ms tan taught me to hen xia xing and say no. and i guess tat's qte impt.

walking thr the past 6.5 mths.. i tink tis is a very meaningful year so far for me. altho i've been thr lots of waves. at lest i realised diff types of ppl. sum ppl's true confessions and true side of them. esp tis year, i tink dere's alot of speciall ppl tat guided me along the way. dey make me realise tat life is more den running things. it may be abt people. life.. alot of things. to do things need courage. so do letting things go. and so do tolerating things.

sumone shared this with me. you are lucky if you have a friend tat stands by you and support you no matter what happens. it's your true friend. which you can alwaiz confide in. i guess we reali shld not take people and things for granted. but singaporeans are too lucky.. i guess. but..

i wanna say thankyou

to those tat love and care for me..





hehx. i failed my maths test,i'm sure. sumore ms tan pulled me to the side yesterdae to ask me if i'm fine.. den we had a nice talk. if u understand wadda i mean by nice.. i cried in front of her i bet my paper is tat type look aledi sure fail tat type.. haix. but any tcher would tink got prob de. from 90% drop until dunno what lidat. anw, went to sentosa yesterdae. i guess jus the usual stuff. underwater world. dolphin lagoon. cable car. musical fountain. not really facinating. except tat i like the restaurant we ate very much. moe realli choose the correct restaurant mans. i ate alot. more den trng camp amt i bet... hahahahz.den took alot of pics. haha.

anw. todae trng. sud bcame nco. for no reason. sighs. but i tink i let my mood get the better of me. it's jus dao mei for the i/c tt i am in a bad mood yea. sorta got affected.. meeting ms tan lke ery week now. ms tan's so nice. she was saying if i can't piortise, she help me piortise haha.. as in i tink ms tan is nearer to the students in tat sense. i tink it's a very nice feeling to know that u are loved when u are very stressed. to have ppl to care and concern. mebe i only understand the term best fren only now. but at least it's not too late.

i'm reali drawing up a planner now to make myself realy study. i haf too much overdue hw.. sheesh. tml gg out with the china ppl agn. so dunno if i haf time to blog.. and do homework sighs. still haf to call andrew fok and billy tay. why the hell am i the one calling..? i oso dunno wor. tinks it's bcos shing refused to call.. gg hq on tues agn. for the sec2s rck badges. i sick of the route to hq le. but no choice.. my dad complaining tt i haf so many million committments.. anw, was asking myself if i shld type tat letter. i mean mebe i shouldn't tink of the resignation letter at all. but in the end, sum force in my heart told me to type it. but whether i am submitting it to ms ang is another story.. i am gg to die. too lit time and too much tings to do. and i reali miss my piano alot. i haven practice it for ages. and ages is lke 1mth. and 1mth not touching the piano.. not inclusive of practicing.. and i haf been pon-ing so many million piano lessons tis 2mths.. shall stop here and finish my logistics.. logistics sux.




the story behind first aid duty. hmm. shan't talk abt it. and i shld stop tinking. serious, cos i've been start to regreting alot alot of things. wad past is past. tryin to convince myself. sheesh. i feel tt i am a total failure anw. was looking at the board in the rc room.. feel lke a total loser.

den was reading my last yr trng kemp report. this reali made me feel tt i changed. be it for the betta or the worse. i guess mrs teo's reali rite. jus in less than 12 mths, anyone, anything might change. ur values changed, ur goal in life changes. ur focus in life also changes. poc next wk. will it change my life? i dunno. i dun wanna noe.

anw, i say i wun tok abt rc stuff. so i wun. yep. the prc ppl came todae. and i felt lke a total loser too. cos my cheena jus went haywire sumhow and sum gal still say i so zai. eng and cheena both so good. sigh.. wadava.. it's prob cos i can speak to her in both languages.. tat's why..

i feel like saying sumting here.. but i shan't cos i noe it will lead to conflicts. comments. wadava. shall jus type in notepad and save in my com or smth. but i haf one pt mus say here, as a summary.. candy, u rawk.. thanks for being such a great fren..

2 weeks ago. i made a promise to myself not to haf regrets. glad to say tt i din haf any regrets so far.. even tho i quaralled wif ppl.. pissed wif ppl. wadava. i dun regret the reason behind i did it. neither do i regret wad i hafta done. for this.. i am contented. not happy tho. dun feel lke smiling at all.




nvr blog yesterdae..alot of ppl ask me why. mmm. tis shows tt alot ppl reading my blog but nvr tag.. but i dun reali care who's reading tho. went to hq yesterdae. tink the jurong guys are very farni. expect to buy 230+ bucks of stuff with 100 bucks.. haha. in the end, i was nice enuff to lend dem money. cos dey live in jurong. abit far for dem to cum down to hq.. anw, victoria guys are also dere. and apparently dey need 6 ppl to buy uniform acessories. hmmm. anw. finally settled the sfa mess. it's reali a mess. haha. but the ibs badges mess still in a mess.

anw, tt's yesterdae. felt rather crazy at gym finals.. was uttering nonsense.. perhaps i was bored. eryone said i was so hyper. but feel the exact opposite now. i dunno why. i just broke down agn. i cried again i reali culdn't control myself. jus saw sumone's sms and i jus cried on the spot. perhaps cos i was listening to sum music. it smoothen my mood. so i wasn't exactly feelin high at all. den when it came. i jus culdn't take it anymore. i keep asking myself to endure one more year. or rather 11 more mths. but dun tink i can take it.. we jus dun share the same values or goals.. even when u say u believe u can. if u reali cannot take it. u reali cannot take. i tink i qte independent in most ppl's eyes. in a sense tt i can work alone and my parents dun reali care abt me much. so yea. i guess my parents gave all their attention to my bro. and i dun try to seek for attention either. anw, i dun tink dey can gif me the attention i reali want. zing asked me a very good qsn act, why endure when u can have peace? the simple answer is tt i tink it will lead to more conflicts. perhaps the situation now is betta.. one psn unhappy is betta den so many ppl bein unhappy. yesterdae, sumone asked me a qsn, "do u lke ur committee?" act, i neva tot of tt qsn before. but at that moment, i hesitated for a long time, until mebe 10 secs later i said it's qte ok. alot of ppl say i say things in a very straightforward way, at to tat qsn, i act hesitated ba, i dunno wadda say. i am sorry to say tat i reali reali lost it.. but it doesn't matter to me now. i tink jus let nature take it course. i dunwan to force anyting or anyone now.

quote from sumburdie: "if ur values ain't aligned, u either acomodate or quit"

but i am tire of accomodating.



nvr blog yesterdae..alot of ppl ask me why. mmm. tis shows tt alot ppl reading my blog but nvr tag.. but i dun reali care who's reading tho. went to hq yesterdae. tink the jurong guys are very farni. expect to buy 230+ bucks of stuff with 100 bucks.. haha. in the end, i was nice enuff to lend dem money. cos dey live in jurong. abit far for dem to cum down to hq.. anw, victoria guys are also dere. and apparently dey need 6 ppl to buy uniform acessories. hmmm. anw. finally settled the sfa mess. it's reali a mess. haha. but the ibs badges mess still in a mess.

anw, tt's yesterdae. felt rather crazy at gym finals.. was uttering nonsense.. perhaps i was bored. eryone said i was so hyper. but feel the exact opposite now. i dunno why. i just broke down agn. i cried again i reali culdn't control myself. jus saw sumone's sms and i jus cried on the spot. perhaps cos i was listening to sum music. it smoothen my mood. so i wasn't exactly feelin high at all. den when it came. i jus culdn't take it anymore. i keep asking myself to endure one more year. or rather 11 more mths. but dun tink i can take it.. we jus dun share the same values or goals.. even when u say u believe u can. if u reali cannot take it. u reali cannot take. i tink i qte independent in most ppl's eyes. in a sense tt i can work alone and my parents dun reali care abt me much. so yea. i guess my parents gave all their attention to my bro. and i dun try to seek for attention either. anw, i dun tink dey can gif me the attention i reali want. zing asked me a very good qsn act, why endure when u can have peace? the simple answer is tt i tink it will lead to more conflicts. perhaps the situation now is betta.. one psn unhappy is betta den so many ppl bein unhappy. yesterdae, sumone asked me a qsn, "do u lke ur committee?" act, i neva tot of tt qsn before. but at that moment, i hesitated for a long time, until mebe 10 secs later i said it's qte ok. alot of ppl say i say things in a very straightforward way, at to tat qsn, i act hesitated ba, i dunno wadda say. i am sorry to say tat i reali reali lost it.. but it doesn't matter to me now. i tink jus let nature take it course. i dunwan to force anyting or anyone now.

quote from sumburdie: "if ur values ain't aligned, u either acomodate or quit"

but i am tire of accomodating.




Leo Astrology
7/12/2004
If you are fustrated with your career right now it is because you feel you have more to give than is being exploited. You want to teach someone something, but they seem determined to do things the hard way. Let them! You'll both come out better for it in the end.

tt came frm my daily horoscope. altho nt beri belivable ba.. but i tink it has sum truth in tis case. anw, came online specially to blog. cos i forgot to jus now.. felt very high tis afternoon. which means i was in a good mood. haix. gg hq tml agn. sianx. oh, and i cleared most of my work todae. hahaha. which means after i clear the uniform acessories tml and fa kits by end of tis wk. I'm FREE!! yay! cheers!! yea, i finish my trng kemp part too.. almost at lest. jus nid all the games ppl to gif me.. den i'm done..first psn in the year.. hahaha. even finish my mentor part. partly cos i force myself to work chao hard todae ba. oh yea, and charity draw.. yes i remm abt it. but els looks rather stress todae. ask her if she needs help. said dunnid. haix. laadeedum..

anw. i tink i reali learnt to treasurer my memories. was looking at the fotos.. altho it is lke 1 of the earliest out of the 3 flims which i had develope.. the rest of the 2 haven collect yet..cos i m broke..shan't put the fotos up.. cos i tink it is rather personal too.. anw. zing was saying tt she dunno if she shld put up stuff on her blog cos dun wan juniors to read?? act. tis is wad i feel..this is my blog.. my online journal. so i dun give a damm who the hell is reading it. if i create a blog and worry abt ppl noeing tis and tt. might as well dun haf. cos u end up hiding erything to urself. haix. lookin fwd to sch tml.. except for rs. i qte lke sch now. u noe. oh man, and maths test is on thurs. i'm gg to fail.. :p



Leo Astrology
7/12/2004
If you are fustrated with your career right now it is because you feel you have more to give than is being exploited. You want to teach someone something, but they seem determined to do things the hard way. Let them! You'll both come out better for it in the end.

tt came frm my daily horoscope. altho nt beri belivable ba.. but i tink it has sum truth in tis case. anw, came online specially to blog. cos i forgot to jus now.. felt very high tis afternoon. which means i was in a good mood. haix. gg hq tml agn. sianx. oh, and i cleared most of my work todae. hahaha. which means after i clear the uniform acessories tml and fa kits by end of tis wk. I'm FREE!! yay! cheers!! yea, i finish my trng kemp part too.. almost at lest. jus nid all the games ppl to gif me.. den i'm done..first psn in the year.. hahaha. even finish my mentor part. partly cos i force myself to work chao hard todae ba. oh yea, and charity draw.. yes i remm abt it. but els looks rather stress todae. ask her if she needs help. said dunnid. haix. laadeedum..

anw. i tink i reali learnt to treasurer my memories. was looking at the fotos.. altho it is lke 1 of the earliest out of the 3 flims which i had develope.. the rest of the 2 haven collect yet..cos i m broke..shan't put the fotos up.. cos i tink it is rather personal too.. anw. zing was saying tt she dunno if she shld put up stuff on her blog cos dun wan juniors to read?? act. tis is wad i feel..this is my blog.. my online journal. so i dun give a damm who the hell is reading it. if i create a blog and worry abt ppl noeing tis and tt. might as well dun haf. cos u end up hiding erything to urself. haix. lookin fwd to sch tml.. except for rs. i qte lke sch now. u noe. oh man, and maths test is on thurs. i'm gg to fail.. :p



can't believe it.. i typed 12 pages of logistics for trng kemp le.. when i haven even cover half the activities of logistics. no wonder sum ppl say it's the worst job. ery jobs has it difficulties de ba. wadava. i jus wana get trng kemp over and done with. cos i seriously wana [hopefully] finish all my rc stuff tis mth. or mebe most. stuff lke documents for comm serice award. fa kits. openhouse. yearbk. uniform acessories. wadava. and take the next 2.5 mths to really study.. cos i tink the fakits can last 2.5 mths aniwae.. wadava it is ba. i feel tt i spent my past 7 mths tis year wholeheartly on redcross.. inclusive of tis mth. and tt's enuff. ok mebe 6.5 mths. sumone told me studies shld be the top piority and so doesit mean tt more time shld be spent on studies. haix wadava. i guess i really enjoy secretariet work. altho sumtimes sick with it. cos couldn't resist helping els with trng kemp proposal. i finish half of her secre's work on trngkemp proposal le. anyway. she also haf loads of wk. f n b plus sumting else which i dun wish to mention here is really a lot of work. but happy to say tt log is my last part for trng kemp. lolx.

anw. heard yueqi took over yesterdae. as expected, she's v.chair + sec2 level head + first aid msitress. haha. feel weird act. noe qte a lot of chairs and tables. and she sorta start to stress le. so i told her not to. anw, i told her even u stress oso must stay happy. which i failed to do so. but she so happi erydae. will one de. feelin qte a lot of changes arnd me anw. so many of my grp ppl haf taken over. all zhang da le. but i tink we are still rather close. heh.. sumone asked me b4 why i rather work with my grpmates more. or a qsn liddat. i tink dere's a diff. with my yearmates.. when i am really tired.. and i tink dey can cope.. i will just go and sleep. with afew of my groupmates.. even when i am really tired. we will finish the work together. and go and slp at arnd the same time? ok.. altho it's not all of my grp. a few or dem is reali enuff. even a heartwarming.. "________ lurves u!!" also helps. it makes me willing to slp at 4 and wake up at 7.. hug my pillow in front of the com to chiong proposal. i guess i rarely say my true confessions face to face.. but it doesn't matter act. sorta yi xin hui yi leng. so forget it. jus ranting here for the sake of ranting.



haix. currentaffairs todae. shan't tok abt tt. anw, it ended at arnd 6.15.. den after tt, was debating if i shld go straight home or go buy boot socks. went angmokio to buy boot socks. and guess wad? it's out of stock. and den decided since i am here, mite as well but more stuff. so i went to buy the secre's file. loads of first aid materials. hairnets. buttons rings.. and i dunno wad lah. but most is rc stuff. spent more than 200 bucks. sumore onli bought for a few fa kits. tml gg shopping for fa supplies agn..still got 4 more to go.. and staff rm one.. jiayou. reach home at 9.30.. and i feel abit guility act. ever since june hols. 70 percent of the daes i've been gg home after 8. and 40 percent of the time after 9 and sumtimes qte late.

owells. wadava. act, i feel tt i've been defending the juniors alot lately. act not defending. i guess it's jus reasonable. to put urself in the juniors' shoes b4 u make ani decision. unfortunately, most ppl dun understand tt.. and sum ppl dun even bother to tink.. and it's jus tt unfair tt tis world runs tt majority rules. i guess i can try my very best, but i reali can't stand it sumtimes. i already comprimise alot le lolx. by reducing SWAMI to twice a mth onli, or some amt, diff ery mth. trngs aint meant to train ppl to death. if u tink sl sessions..welfare projects.. and sum other interesting stuff are not impt and taken away.. i can jus fan1 lian3 with u de. i tink dey mite be happier if i fan lian or quit act. dun haf ppl opposing dem all dae. life's never fair. but alwaiz put urself in other ppl's shoes..it's jus a case of self realisation. mebe i onli learnt it recently.. but i tink i learnt it in time.. in a sense. oh yeah. btw. just answering tis qsn for once and for all. stop asking me abt it. i'm sick of answering it. the qsn is why do i bring such a big bag with me? [it's a hiking bag act, and app it's bigger den my trng kemp bag] anw, the answer is cos if i bring a big bag, it means tt i am gg shopping. tt's why i need to stuff my things inside, happy?

eryone has been saying tt i've been v.quiet lately. or rather most of my class. lost my hyper self. i guess i can be rather hyper at times. and to my yearmates, i'm jus unusually quiet. wadava. todae's trng.. i was nco. anw, i am qte impress with sum ppl lately. but shan't mention here. anw, todae's trng. i was feelin rather hyper in the mrng. planning to change into trackpants when i get to sch. but for sum stupid reason, called speech dae goh, i couldn't change and hafta see tcher. oh wadava, i was so pissed lorhs. can u all ask ppl permission b4 u include the psn in sum stupid thing like speech dae goh. unfortunately, sum ppl dun. anw, i can say tt i am rather unhappy tt i am in speech dae goh. but nvr mind. actually.. i understand in a sense, it's jus lke tt period tt i did things mebe without telling eryone. i hafta admit. dun reali wanna say, but tink i realised and change a lot since late apr. and den back to trng. it's jus tt after a while.. less den 1hr act. i jus lost my hyper self. and lost my temper. can't stand it. but din reali fa hen da de pi qi. kept asking myself to control. and i succeed in a sense. i manage to hold back my words b4 sumbudie i saw was in the verge of tears. and the stupid classrooms wasn't open even when it was aledi booked.. on weds lolx. then i ran all over the sch like a idiot to find the security guard. and i gave up aft 1/2 hr. den saw shing and both of us ran and ran and found the security guard. yay! den the room open. actually, i feel tt the ma'am's year style is very diff from ours. at least, i feel now the foucs is on trng and acreeds. redcross in not only on trngs and acreeds.. but i decided to not say anything le. unless dey zuo until very guo fen, lke wad i said above. i will make sure i fan1 lian3..



yikes. i can't believe it. i treat a casulty todae.. oh man. it happen so sudden de. peishan ma'am jus knock the room and told me and els tt dere is a casulty in the hall and i jus grab the fa kit and pass it to els and we ran to the hall as fast as possible. and it was alot of blood. i think we were qte calm at that time. and for the first time for my life, i am relieved and do not regret that i bought gloves for our fa kit. hahahha, but den now haf to replenish most of the first aid kits.. again.. with triangular bandages out of stock, cos we sorta used 3 first aid kits to treat her.. this reali sux. but back to the casulty.. it was reali terrible.. as in her wound. and i am amazed at how calm i was at that time. compared to mass evacs we had at trng camp. prob bcos alot of ppl were screaming during camps. and tis time it is unusually slient, altho dere's loads of ppl..

anw.we treated her. and the first time tt i feel tt the ambulance take forever to cum. and thanks to the tchers who were giving alot of useful and unuseful comments and advice. but who cares. anw. den after she went into the ambulance, we cleared up the blood and erything we used. then go back to rc room and put down the stuff. and went needlework rm for debrief. apparently. this pole drop and hit her head and she got hurt jus liddat. and the pole was real heavy and it's from the celling lolx. anw. hope she's ok.. and i could see tt many ppl were tramatised ltr. i din feel tramatised lol. but when i went back to the rc room and recall the incident and i reali feel horrible. okae, i tink i betta forget abt the incident anyway. and els and i were talking abt gloves. we were saying tt it might seems insignificant and nonid, but at real emergency times, we reali need it yah..

and i realised a trend in my moods. when i am very high, i am usu very nice and wun scold ppl. but when i am feeling low, i wld jus scream at anyone i see. and that's why i am very afraid tt i wld scream at tmr's i/cs. this is really bad man. and too bad if i lost my temper. i dun wan to. but hopefully, i can control it. anyway, todae cle'e lesson is quite meaningful. oh btw, we changed places.. again. sitting at my term 1 seat now. and he jus refused to change me to the back lo, even when sum1 behind cannot see and wants to change to the front.. he still refused to change me. it's not reali in front ba. it's the 2nd row act. anw. cle.. we were taking abt our values and i think what he said made sum gd sense reali. lke when one values do not align with the organisation values, u can only do two things. quit or change your values. or u wld jus haf to put up a fake front erydae and pretend ur values are the same as ur organisation. u will be beri tire in tis way.. which i tink wad is happening to me.. in a certain sense.. i dun feel lke changing a lot of my values cos i wld lose wad i reali feel myself. i noe abit selfish de, but tt's why i am willing to change, but not change all. to give up what u reali lurve is v. hard sometimes. i want to quit but i jus fang3 bu1 xia4. i guess tt's pretty alike to sumone i noe recently. she gave herself loads of chances.. thinking tt the situation wld improve. but i guess.. it's jus liddat in life sumtimes ba. cos she also fang3 bu1 xia4 at that time.. but she gave up in the end i tink.. she quit aledi [i think] anyway.

anw. forgot to say yesterdae.. mite not be able to go for trng kemp.. if it is in nov. cos gg china for exchange prog. haix. dun tink dey nid me much anw. cos i tink i've been taking the background role now ever since we take over. i wld miss my role as group mentor most act. but nvr mind, shall enjoy myself in china. oh yea,i finish the management crisis proposal le. oh i rawk.. hahhahha. and i settled yearbook [sort of], fototaking.. so happi.. but i tink i killed els on the mist of settling yearbk. but owells. oh shit, i 4got gif shing the list for nametags agn.. ahh. i sucks. haix. i contridict myself. oh wadava. i got more things to settle arnd..



ahhh. i'm back again. and guess what? i settled the SWAMI THING!! YAY!! after 1 week of this this that that. with the help of michelle. yay! thanks michelle. so sweet. i feel very sad act. sum yearmates jus pulled out of swami jus bcos dey took over or smth.and throw it to us. it's not very fair lolx. but owells, wad can i do abt it.

anw. discuss abt trng camp 2dae. and guess what, i dun haf much work to do. [say awww] cos i'm in charge of log, management and welfare [alone for all..sobz] xcept for welfare, with michie.. and i haf erything le xcept log. and i'm group mentor for group two. but also duno who's in group two. haven decided yet. but i chose two cos i was in group two for training camp in sec2. sumore i was in bravo!! [bravo rawks :D] so it's lke the 2nd group also. and enrol dae i was also grp two.. ah wadava, but i tot of beri good advice to give my group le. but i tink my yearmates worried tt i too nice to dem. oh well wadava. i dun care. haha, apparently acc to the sec2s, me and char were the most strict b4 we took over. but since lke last year, all my yearmates complaining tt i am nice to dem. how ironic. but bcos i'm nice to dem, i am nt taking part in the training part [a.k.a scolding] for trng kemp [supposedly], hahaha. but if dey reali pissed me off, i might expload...

school was nice. ohh, i saw xizhen ma'am on the bus todae. with me crying eyes. of cos i came home with zing.. dunno why.. i just cried on the bus. [or act. i noe why, but dun wan to say here]

sigh. shall go back to my chatting. buaiz~



i am blogging agn.. hahahaha. sigh, jus tt it's considered a achievement. i slpt for 2.5 hrs frm 6!!! hahaha. was reading that swami project thingy and trying to arrange it SO THAT IT WOULD NOT DEPRIVE OF CHAR'S DARLING TRANING TIME:D so charlene stop complainning. or i also chop u into pieces. hahhaha, i'm feelin high now. so ignore me.

ahh. i seriously need to go down buy boot socks and replenish bootsocks stock in the rm. or ery1's gg to killl me soon. but too lazzzy to go down. whoops, hairnet also. then must find out where the hell to get gloves, after so many million ppl lose them. it's abit short of now. then gg hq next tues.. agn.. i am gg to ruin zing's unit funds agn. -evil smile- anyway, i feel so awake now. oh yea, and i finally remm to bk classrooms. yes, i did. and my charityy draw tix is in shit state now. and was helping my dad opening letters. den realise got LOADS of invitation around.. and i realise i still haf che's and mich's last yr unit fotos. yah lah, i'm sorrie lolx. and the sec1s uniform acessories is still in a mess. den got 2sec1s wanna join redcross. ok lah, not my fault or their fault, but well.. and i realise loads of ppl arnd own me money. which is why i am broke now.

goal setting. that's quite cool act. can haf it sum time. or rather must have. heh. and i haf no idea why i agreed to be in this stupid cle project when i haf so much comm serv hrs. ok lah, fine, i jus agreed to help for the sake of helping.oh yea, i'm supp to help ker wanling to find out abt current affairs comp results? so wad i'm doing here. blogging, hahahaha.

anyway, shall talk abit abt sch todae. first block, maths was rather boring, but i still paid attention, prob cos it's the first block. then 2nd block was history. toking abt china again, frm 1936-1948. it was very interesting act, but jus tt i bet he was staring at me why i din take notes. but i guess i got enuff notes frm rs anyway. then pe. yay! it was quite fun. we got a relief tcher, cos mrs lim wasn't arnd. then manage to convince her to give us a 10 mins early recess hahahaha. then after tt was chem. taking abt acids, salts and bases. not reali exciting, but i at lest understood wad she toking. thennn. cle. it was quite fun. reali.. esp the part abt setting goals and plaguarism. i tink onli the setting goals part is fun and cool. cos sum of my smart classmates jus came up with a new defination for SMART. specific bcame step by step. and then i forgot the rest already.. then the habits of mind also damm farni. we began taking in mathmetical terms. cos we onli got the habits of mind for maths. the plaguarism part is jus interesting, i guess. anyway, i decided to update frequently prob. unless i dun feel like it. for a group of ppl: when i am pissed and if u were the one that pissed me off. and if by and bad luck or chance, u r in front of me. i can scream at u until u cry. so dun try to push ur luck around with me. eryone's tolerance has a limit. and dun worry yrmates, it's not to u all..



heyy. heyy. made up a list to do on mons. at that time i got 30 redcross things to do.which is bad aledi. then after two days of adding things to do and finishing so much work. it stands at 41 now. which is even worse. can't stand it lah. altho sum of my yrmates help quite a bit. but dey can't help much also, cos sum stuff nid to be done personally in a sense.. anyway, thanks zee and zing for helping me out!! and sorrie zee, for the reciepts. thanks alot shing, for doing the uniforms and nametags.

sudd. eryone asking me to relax. haha, even zee was saying i might fall into depression at this rate. which was exactly wad candy said todae. and sum other ppl. haix, wadava.. things dun wait for u. it still need to be done. jus ranting here to say out erything, so ignore me here.

niwaes, candy told me tt dere are 3 ways ppl usually fa xie. one is to scream, 2nd one to eat, 3rd one to drink. but i guess i dun reali eat when i'm pissed. i think i scream more. and after drinking a while, might get bloated. hahax. realise my whole of next week is booked for sum stupid reason. and since yesterdae, i made up my mind to reali study. and guess what, i guess i succeed in a sense, i paid full attention in classes todae. but i wun just let redcross stuff pile liddat. it's reali on time management. i just find it a mircale tt i onli slept for 5 hrs for the past 72 hrs.[and i neva slp in class, okae?] whoa, i rock. it's jus tt i figure out tt studies shld be the top piority. and tt redcross and studies and piano can co-exist i guess. and dis reali ish bad. i guess i learnt a lot these days frm sum ppl. oh yah, and the prc ppl are cumin next weds. i'm gg to die lke hell. esp when poc is on the dae dey sup to stay over at my house.



sigh, it had been a busy week. guess i'm still adapting to the hill pile of workload. actually bet tt the stuff i signed this wk. has eben more than my past 14+ years b4 this week. sigh, erytime, i sit down and tink of it. i wld alwaiz ask myself, if it is worth it. act i dun tink it is. but i will jus manage to convince myself to put my best into it. it's a period of change i guess. but i act feel lke passing out now. deng jiu jiu. dere's still a long way to go. but i guess 1 year passes qte fast. aha. i'm jus leavin my hw here to rot. i reali miss the ma'ams. and wad xiuwen ma'am say is qte true. after a while, u will go down to hq so often until u r sick of it. ah. nonid wait until a while, i'm abit sick of it aledi. bah. jus wanting to close my eyes but i can't.. and i am jus ulterly dissappointed with my juniors. duno wad to do with dem and i find myself so tire tt i dun haf any much energy left erydae, which leaves me no energy to scold dem. i mean eating half breakfast, den no recess, no lunch and eat lunch at 6 is prob bad aledi lah. but dere's jus so much to do. but i guess i can't jus give up on dem liddat. if eryone does give up, noone will ever help dem.

anyway, i miss ulp lke hell now. really. at least i dun feel the stress den. i work beri happily act. but i do feel a certain level of stress certainly.i mean chasing stuff tt is meant to be done mths ago isn't farni or fun at all. but for the sake of the darling gold award, i haf to force myself to chase for it. i shall say tt i haf master the art of bugging ppl after this wk. and i noe the fa kit inside out after tis wk too.. aha. i reali miss ulp. but i guess the skills i learn as a instructor or wadava doesn't reali sorta help. cos i'm not gg to be an instructor?! and planning, more or less it helps lolx, i guess. but i reali miss ulp. it's such a pity tt we can't do most of the ulp activities at trng kemp. due to security reasons. sigh.. but i reali miss it..

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