When fate decides to lend a hand,
all you have to do is go with the flow,
but when fate decides to turn its back on you,
you will have more to do than to fall and weep.
-kelli

went back to awwa on weds. really touched by the warmth mans. hearing them calling me all over. it's tiring yet fufiling. i had quite a hard day with lunch only at 4pm. because they are terribly lack of staff as usual. and i became the permanant translator there because all the staff couldnt speak dialects or chinese. so it was as usual. a hectic day.

much as i love the satisfaction that comes behind it. it comes with a price to pay. i still don know how to say no. i still don know how to reject. which results in all my time gone somehow. it is a skill though to learn how to say no.

i think i am on my way to some eating disorder. somehow either i am hungry all the time or gorging myself with food. i am like having a meal ever 3 hours??! ahahha. and now i am waiting for my mee to be ready when i had dinner around an hour plus ago. sigh. i feel sinful. when i finished around half a box of the beeeg box of chocolates. and miraclously. i lost weight! omg. cant believe it right. yup. cus they were taking height and weight today. and so since i hadnt took weight since i last saw the doctor a few mths ago. so decided to weigh myself. and cant believe it lost 4kg. hahaha. owells. it's a miracle considering how much i feed myself. hahaha. eating is a stress reliever mans. esp chocolates. dussen eating chocolates make you feel happy? (:

anyways. my mee is nearly done. shall go and eat!



just taking a breather from all the work. kind of tired. somehow everyones saying dont burnout. dont burnout. but i won say i am burnout. just immune to e burnout. i used to cant stand the nonsense the kids give me. but now. so be it. i would say frankly i dono what to do with them. i feel old. it seems like a communication barrier btwn us. they are somehow full of energy. yes. like i said. i feel old. somehow what they say will really make me laugh. yet i don feel like correcting them. yes it's good to be innocent sometimes. but when you open the door to reality. i wonder if this is helping or harming them. defining the target audience? is it to help the unit. or help them. somehow sometimes we don see where all these ish going ya.

hee. i am rc-free until e 21st yay. and so 19th will be e official day i join back awwa huuh. so much for missing me. yeah. making a promise to go back on the 19th now. can just whack me straight if i don. it's good to know you are missed sometimes. you feel more treasurered. and that spurs people to work harder actually. but while talking about all these. it creates a strain in my transportation costs you know. HAHAH. okay just that i keep going around and depleting my ezlink value like an exponential graph. anyone wans to reimburse my transport cost? hehe. nah just a joke.

anyway. was chatting wth aikheng(sir) and chiuweng(sir) last night. and a few nights before also. seems like one is looking fwd on his trip on 9th nxt mth and one enjoying himself at germany. yupyup. thanks to both for their concerm mans. and one to his overly-concern. hahaha. wells. they are one of the few that can comprehend what i think i suppose. but i think chiuweng wanted to tell me abt his prague trip but sorry i think me was too tired to read off the computer screen last night. hahaha sorrrie. somehow i kept dao-ing him in a sense that i always fall asleep in front of the comp or smth. and eric. out of my so-called depression. your darling sms-es really make me donno to laugh or to cry. i was laughing yet felt tears out of my tearglands yep. thanks guys.



FREAK. die die die.

i have like a thousand things to do. my whiteboard is full of things. and mind you. my whiteboard is as big as one wall of a normal room. i am dropping violin. i am dropping redcross. it's not easy to drop both. but well. trying to. my plate's too full. so everything screwed. cus why the helll am i torturing myself. sleeping in e wee hrs of e night and waking up darn early in e mrng. which result in kept falling sickk. feel like a failure mans. at least in rg. altho life was not much of a mercy but at least could get things done. now i have a million things craming in my brain. things that are not a must to do but i should do.

i am sorry sorry sorry. i just plain bombarded some innocent people today. i am feeling darn lousy. the only meal i ate was breakfast and breakfast today. and got a call today. when i was only half awake.
caller: could you help in organising e mid authmn festival thing this year?
me: mmmm.... HUH. ERRRR. i dont think i have the time.
caller: harrr. can one la.. wun spend much of your time. pleasseeee.
me: (yah right, sounded so nice. but thinking no pt arguing) i get back to you can?
caller: harr. can la can la. can right? (and contd wth a whole load of persuasive language)
me: i will get back to you. *slams the phone*
this mid authmn festival thing is no small event okay. not when it is like this whole evening wth like a thousand people. involving not-so-normal people. or rather not fit and working youths or adults. but many things to consider. mobility. kind of food. and etc.

it's good to appreciate people. cus many people feel unappreciative. even tho many might not read it. so here is it.
jen: great sis and always giving me sound advice.
zing: thanks for hearing me rant on wed. hahaha aft all four years, you are still the one that always hear me rant. love you gal.
candy: always crap wth me. de-stress. hahaha.
gloria: another one. and so much more nonsese. anyone will think we are just plain crazy!
eric: yup, alwaiz there when i need help. nag at me at all my weird habits. but yep, i know you meant well. thanks for sharing yr ideas wth me!
zhaoting: alwaiz there to irritate me and feel lke smashing uu wth eggtarts. but at the end of the day.. make me dono to laugh or to cry.
brose: your spirit really aspire me to continue helping out mans!
yiyan: always willing to help me as long as you can (:
ky: enjoy the time that i spend sharing wth him on the mrt and lrt. altho donno each other long.
ling: cont do look at e positive side which you always have. thanks for sharing all yr problems wth me.

ahh. considering i got 2more hrs to a few deadlines. i shall stop here and continue another day.



exhausted. reallyy.

i dont understand my mumm seriously. i wondered even if shes really my mum. no this is not out of a moment after some heated argument wth pangs of anger. but i really donknow her. seems like last year ms ko and ms rona alwaiz say i am prejudiced against her. which acc to them is very not like me cus i will alwaiz be the first one to seek to understand. am i really prejudiced? no i dont think so. wellz they say no mum wun love their own child. well for my case at least, i dont discredit this, but i dont believe it either. i am just becoming more like dad to prevent clashing wth her. yet, even like that she isnt happy. cus i am quiet. wdh right. i am sick of conversing wth her ever since two years back cus it will somehow always make me tired and depressed. have no idea why she is forever complaining and prattling on everything about me from top to toe. abt all my committments and every other single thing.

was clearing out my stuff. and found this whole stack of card i accumulated. yups mostly thankyou cards from so many people! this is really something that drives me in life man. which is something mum will never understand also. dussen limit to redcross only. she complains about the rest also. i guess she dussen have this thing called humility at all. to her i am just an object she can boast about. so much for character education since young ahs. what good role model. shes always the one that never keeps her word. want all my time. well. i am not an object of hers.

volunteering has alwaiz been something close to my heart and it will always be part of my life. but somehow she never understands that. i remb how she threaten not to pay my hp bills, not to give me allowance if i just spend my free time volunteering. but so wad. hehs. i survived. paying my own bills. so she was making freaking load of noise abt my hp bill again. cus got new line and at first she offered to pay. so going back her word as usual again. fine lorh. pay myself. i rather pay myself to even give in to all her stupid requests which practically makes no sense at all. yeah so she threaten not to pay loads of things before. but so what. i survived. somehow i realise i paid for my own piano fees before. own exam fees a thousand together wth my fees at one go. hp bill for like 2years. all my medical fees when i am sick so there is no way i am not going to survive this. and she is forever comparing me wth my bro. yeah my bro is a guai kia dat forever ish mummy's boy. i really cant stand her. she knows plainly tat i wun ask dad for money because hes quite tight in terms of finance wth the car and stuff. this is not called bitching lorh. i dont believe she dussen deserve this man. somehow she never realises that everything that she did this two years just make herself more pissed and lose respect in my eyes only.

but wells. still. gotta thank her. in a sense, it was she who made me so independent. it was she who forced me to save money. hahah when i was young, no other means to get money mah.. besides saving. it was she who forced me to think logically on my own feet. which may be good or bad. cus i dont listen to e elders most of e times.. believe i know what is best for me. somehow sometimes i do think back. if dad and mum really divorce then, life might be very different now. hehe. i guess this is life. (:



life has been pretty you can say monotonous these days. and yeah. i heard people complaining abt my MIA-ing. yes yes i know. guess all e volunteers know i MIA for a few mths now :p but i gotta admit i cant cope now. not with all these things. yep. my uncles in hospital. so is my great aunt. and my grandfather is sick as well. the stress is getting onto me. somehow e kids are fighting for my attention as well these days. went back rg last weds. saw mr chu. he had a fever. supposed he pass it to me then. cus i had a vicious fever the very next day. but dats not e pt. just that the walk down rgs corridor just brought back loads of memories. good ones bad ones. happy ones sad ones. i might say i not miss it but yet i do. in my heart. and to think i alwaiz thot i will miss e people e most. but yet. apparently i miss e building the most. i din went to find my teachers. nor spent time wth my juniors. i just went all around the building. enjoying the afternoon breeze and rain.

and so maybe that fondness continue. bcus of my fever. din feel too good to go for awards ceremony. but still went in e end cus cant find replacement also. met ms mariette ong there. somehow her words touched my heart. yes i broke down in tears. but i hurried wipe away my tears of cus. after all so many guests were there. she was sitting in the vip table. but i din feel too good at all after that. bcus of the fever or her words i dontknow. but the little episode simply unleash too many memories. i recalled how he celebrated my 14th birthday. it was special indeed. for noone celebrated for me since my 10th birthday. i remb my grandma passed away on my 11th birthday. which from then onwards. noone celebrated my birthday. felt kinda left out then. seems that my bro will have great parties every year. and yet when it comes to my birthday it is just utterly slience. so that 14th birthday is special. i would always remb what he said. said that whevever i am sad. i must remb that he helped me to jab in loads of anaesthetic beforehand. so i would never never ever feel pain.

yes i do remember. perhaps his faith has always pushed me to fight a lot of things in rg then. and now even fight for e elderly. oneyear fivemths twodays and twentyonehrs since his death. the very fact that the sentence time heals all wounds holds is all because people tend to forget the forgotten after a while. his anaesthetic is running low. the pain is killing me. i thot i had bury it but yet i just nearly wanted to crumble in front of the kids. i am scared i will. soon. be it to the kids or anyone else.

PROFILE

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