When fate decides to lend a hand,
all you have to do is go with the flow,
but when fate decides to turn its back on you,
you will have more to do than to fall and weep.
-kelli

for the first time for ages. i am in blogging mood.

ms chua is right. whatever you choose (force) to do, it comes with an opportunity cost. so no matter how i spend my one hour, i am forsaking the chance of studying for one hour. the chance of going out with my friends for one hour. the chance of spending on redcross stuff for one hour. the chance of training for one hour.

so looking back now. choosing the so called elite route. i have forsaken the chance of a less busy schedule. i have forsaken the chance of a poly life. and i hope i didnt throw myself to a paper chase either. and guess what? i think i am not suited for the supposed elite route. at least at current situtation. maybe. in the past. but also not so much. i dont have the urge to fight. or the strong desire to win.

i once told somebody. i feel stupid. and obviously was told that i am not. but at least in hwachong context, i do. i was torn apart long ago. yet dont seem to be finding back the original me but being torn further apart. i know i should choose. but even if i choose, i dont know how to say it out. neither do i know if i have the right to say it out. argghhh.

redcross events had always drive me with so much passion. and so are the people. i had wanted to leave. but the junior vis and my batch gang somehow had the power to make me stay again. *yes i know someone is going to shake head. yet, somehow being in a junior college leaves me no chance to go for anything literally. at least, without doing. erms. some stuff, which well shall not be known here. forever complaining due to my horrible schedule but still in love with it. like the story goes for the recent FAC.

but say given a choice again. will i still go hwachong? maybe. but what i am sure is. given a choice again. i will still join as a vi. because what i gained beats more than anything else. (:



i guessed i hadnt blog for along time.

anyway. i came about this by chance.
Our difficulty with intimacy is possibly the result of our tortured view we have of 'male' and 'female'. If we are trying to squeeze ourselves into a mold that denies our humanity, how could we ever hope to find our genuine selves in the process?

and i am trying to mould myself into the terrible process of mugging. mug hard!

and i want to stop thinking. thinking about issues which i will never find the answers myself.

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