When fate decides to lend a hand,
all you have to do is go with the flow,
but when fate decides to turn its back on you,
you will have more to do than to fall and weep.
-kelli

do what you all like. i admit defeat.

i seriously dun care if low bp is going to cause stroke or wad or blah blah. i admit defeat totally okay? i dun care about anything now. rubbishly today physics was okay. and i was so looking forward to maths. but things just dun work my way. sort of went into shock or some kind of not enuff oxygen dat kind of respiratory problems AGAIN. and i dun even hve de blardee energy during de test to tell de teacher. so i just put aside my maths paper [sort of] and kept telling myself not to fall unconscious. wdv. well. i din fell unconscious lol [i think] but de tcher only realise after de whole paper. when huishan and charrisa told her. wadava. anw. i did barely half de paper. going to fail. i'm going to fail english. fail bio. fail history. wadava.

then like de heart was hurting like shit. but well. its true. wad can dey do about it cus seriously dey are not doctors. i dun really care lah, i don't care if i died. was suppose to hve medical apptment with constance at 2.30. budden my heart din really feel good so postponed to 3.30. partly cus i wanted to be wth de class abit longer more. then at near 3. still din feel good and partly cus i dun wan to see her anymore anw.

nah. anw. having class cleanup. the class was in a messs. well. as i was not feeling very good. so i sat down after busy-ing a while. i felt like breaking down then u know. i was in tears then. but he came over. and ask. wasn't i going to de wdv? den i was lke yah, but later now. but actly thanks to him lah. if not i would hve broken down. altho he din know it. cus i din wan him to see me in tears anymore. wdv lah. was screaming at de class to listen jus now. and guess wad. i realise dat when i shout. my hearts hurt even more. wdv lol. but de crappo thing to really prevent this thing is like to be more active. as in when my low bp came about. shall explain it here then. my bp was always low. just dat i was prob quite active. so therefore not affected by it. but i guess. after so much crap. i was verymuch affected by it without me myself knowing and resulting in so much crap now. anw. haha i playing for netball carn. YAY!!

not dat i feeling very good now. but seriously who cares. was facing beatrice just now [my niece]. believe it or not. if she wasnt dere. i would hve broke down. cus she still so young..[haven 3yrsold yet] later scare her. sigh. and i couldn't chase her away either. believe me. i feel like crumbling. i do not know why but i feel worse than de so called period when i was in "depression". owells.

heh. i wonder. what impression do i give others in de past? someone asked me. do you prefer de old you or de new you now. if u like de new you now. go on with life. but if u dun. go back to yourself. well. i dun even know what is me. okayy. dun ask me now. but i think the attitude i gave candy today was really scary. hmm. or make it sound this way. i dun feel dat it is scary but afterwards i could sense dat she was scared. sigh. i dunno lah. i dunno anything. why dun somebody knock me wth something hard now. and i suffer from head injury and bcome some idiot or nijit? sigh, i really feel i am crumbling.




hmm. i set a quiz and after dat quiz. i thot my quiz was quite easy. anw, i notice and infer i few things pple think abt me.

a) pple think i am too young to be an aunt
b) not many pple know my inner self really well
c) but i think they know de nature of my character
d) no one really know how am i feeling NOW. (those dat took de test)
e) only my close friends know what i really enjoy
f) and some other things i dun wan to say here.




i met de most crapo doctor on earth today. serious. oh btw. for those who are concerned. i got a beta record and a three days suspension. yep. anw. back to de stupid doctor. jus dat i was feelin weak lke crazy bcos of de low blood count yah. then i so the went to de clinic in hope dat i dunnid to go to de hospital.and when i saw the crapo doctor. aft lke diagnose abit ah. he ask. "so what do you wan me to do for you?" den i was like. hello you are the doctor and you are asking me?? and sumore hes some quite qualified surgeon also. ok den next. he said. "erm, i can't do anything much here" i was like okayy. and he think think think. then he said. "i recommend you to go to de hospital now." so i was like okay. den he continued with sum crap like hes not writing a letter cus he scared he confused de doctor. and blah blah blah. and so he din dare to prescribe any medication also. yah. except some "multiple vitamins" oh mans. thanks alot mans. and after he gave me that. he said. but i think you should still go to the hospital now. and then aft dat he asked again.. do u wan me to do anything for you?.. then he said "er, u want an mc?" i was like roll eyes. hello? tml is a sat. and if i really want an mc right i could hve jus walked into de clinic on sun nitez and u know get an mc. WELL. i dun wan an mc. i WANT to get well. i want to regain my original inner strength. able to run with my frens like last time 2.4km ran so many rounds with dem and yah.

anw. saw mrs prama today. yep. de matter hve been settled more or less. well. for those who dunno. i sort of fell into depression plus not feeling very well. dats why i did something very wrong. which is er. to forge something. and yah. whether it is consciously, sub-consciously or unconsciously. it is wrong. so yep. if you did wrong. face up to de consequences. which is why de beta record. owells. anw. this incident made me realise i hve alot of friends who love me and care for me. haha. thanks everyone. altho i am not totally out of depression or anything or dat crap yet. i felt a lot better since this crappo matter hve been cleared up. oh yea. and 72hrs comm service too. but i dun mind comm service anw. haha. but gotta start mugging for exams.

anyway. i really can't stand dat crapo doctor!! and i not going sgh today mans. no matter wad anyone says. still nid to mug. shall see tml. if i feel really terrible then i go. cus i prob wun be out mans. cus dey prob put me on dat potassium saline drip. and it's quite pain.. hearing from cheryl. and i can forget abt doing eoys if i get dat stupid drip. ah. so far found 5 kinds of drip. sodium chloride. magnesium. glucose. potassium. calcium. haha. maybe i will find out more. oh and in fact you will have one drip of urine every minute. den when u reach arnd 250ml to 300 ml u will feel like going to de toilet. and everyday supp to drink 2500ml to 3000ml and app. 500 ml is lost thru your skin. so theoratically. u are sup to go toilet 6 to 8 times a day. sounds familiar mans. 6 to 8 glasses of water a day?? maybe i glass go toilet once. haha.



whoa. today. two people shared their problems wth me. haha. am i such a good listener for pple to confide in? hahaha. but i am not meant to be a counsollor or anything along dat line. i will get too emotional. but i guess. well. pple confide in me. and i seriously tink the sec3s are really getting stressed.

one wanting to transfer to commonwealth sec. dun ask me why. i dunno too. one wanting to try kill herself with a penknife by slashing her wrist. wads the world going on to. hies. which make me think maybe my will is really strong. hehs. but i think i am losing it soon anyway. these three months of fighting have really been tiring me out. my will has been going down. going down. somemore i had some bad news today.

sigh. i dun blame them actly. everyone wans good grades. but who wans to fall sick if they can help it. prob sum idiot lahh. who exactly wish needles poking into their skin jus bcos the few words of the doctor's. lol. but i tnk hes very nice to help me. in fact i tink hes helping me to bugg off my rs teacher also. haha.

oh yea. jiinie gave me a huggy cat today. wishing me get well soon. dats so sweet. haaha. thanks :D sigh. uncle hving op tml. i am very worried serious. it's de brain wor. not anywhere else.

too lazy to type anything else. anw. i dun wanna end up in tears.



i wonder how many more surprises i can take. sighh. last fri. my first uncle got admitted into hospital bcos hes is in crucial condition. haix. cos it was something wrong after the op he had. i guess. he had cancer sumwhere in his intenstine. ha. dat was one surprise. and then i had another nice surprise. app. my 3rd uncle is going to hve a op on the 5th oct.. on the brain. hmm. tis is de 4th op on the brain. sigh. i thot i wld fall after kor's death. so apparently i din. i tnk he gave me courage aft thurs' talk wth him. maybe. or maybe my will is stronger than i thought.

sigh. mon tml. and guess wad i am dead. first. is i duno how to face him actly. if u use your brains. u wld know who he is. i guess hes really guess or understand or whatever some of de stuff in the bottom of my heart. which noone ever had. dats lke de second gg to third level. most pple only know me on the first. some closer one on the second level. even i consider my parents somewhere in btwn first and second only. sighh. which makes me duno how to face him. second point is i'm seeing dr tang tml at 2.30. app. i only knew when she sms me. wow. and guess what. i hve orals at 2 or 2.15. at first tinking of gg see her late but app she cld guess wads on my mind. sighh. dr tang said even miss lessons also must be dere. so i guess. it's impt. haix. but lucky my primary doc. dr tony is in china. YAY!! hes cumin back only on de 20th. so i cld save a bit of his nagging for a while :D.. third point is i hve physics pt presentation tml. ok dats not so bad.

sometimes i hope someone just kill me before i lose self control. serious. i tnk i am losing self control soon. i hve no idea on wad i am doing. wad i am saying. wad i am tnking. its total rubbish. and i suddenly found myself refrain a whole load of nonsense. i din sud tink of it. its jus dat i found myself telling myself tis one canot. dat one canot.

oh yea. was reading nava's blog. and found her description of him. hies. its quite funny. and i guess. most parts of it is true. should really read it. it's hilarious. http://puyal.diaryland.com/040702_26.html
and i agree wth tis sentence the most Its rather amusing how you can detect his kind heart underneath that aloof, I-do-not-care-abt-these-nonsense attitude and you find out that this man, who appears devoid of any humanly feelings, can actually love. and els was asking if all de gals taught by dem are dat crazy. but hey. i dun tink so. i tink its a true description of dem. haha. if u ever hve dem as teachers. altho i hve no comments abt the sex part. but guess wad. aft reading it. it cheered me up.

things dat i shld refrain from:
1) painkillers
2) medicated oil
3) alot of water
4) sugars (except fructose)
5) study
6) computer
7) other energy sapping stuff
8) fried food
9) cold food
10) physical activities

haish. dats all i can tnk of at de moment. i ser dunno how long i can hang on. i feel dat i am on a motor boat hitting de rocks soon. oh. and should i go to school tml? hies.

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